GOT IT ALL.

What's that? Two body painted posts in a row?
No Doubt.

Yes it's girl's soccer.
And, yes you're a perv for hoping for a Brandi Chastain situation.
You're Gross.

The full re-cap is here.
Again, it's girl's soccer so who cares, amiright?

KOOL AID, FROZEN PIZZA, AND A MINDFREAK

This is two and a half minutes of pure mini panic attack/ baby stroke.
Let's take it step by step, shall we?

1. It's Chris, not Criss, as in Dr. Chris Hansen.
2. It's Las Vegas Criss. You know that Las Vegas, the one that was built in the desert. There is no need for this black leather rig out you've got going on here. It's like a million degrees out there.
3. Of course you have a "pet" scorpion. You're also waiting for someone to bring you mayonnaise for your fries, right? You're Gross.
4. Fast forward through the whole lame smoke thing.
5. And, that brings us back to You, looking about 5 seconds to earl, reaching out to your "impromptu audience" only to find Maria.
6. You then kiss Maria. Who, by the by, is half of a Vegas Show, it just seems convenient. You've managed to do two tricks. She now has that gross little bug in her mouth, and you've made yourself seem a little less gay to the passer-bys.
7. And finally, your coup de gra'ce. "Don't let me kiss ya'", mi scusi? Don't worry Criss, there will never be a time when you'll have to kiss any of us. Never.

For our next trick...

OFFICER, ITS GOOD TO SEE YOU.

Subtle.

Shit has been poppin' in the "Heart of it All".

- Burn it down.

- Chris Hansen obviously has been in the 614.

- Ever wonder what "Driving with inappropriate alertness" means? Colondra, care to explain?

- All dash-cams should have a 24 hour feed.

- Maurice Clarett, is looking for housing in Omaha, just keep an eye on his water bottle. Also, what the fuck is the UFL? Oh, that's the UFL.

- Antonio Bryant's time in the 'Nati has come to an end. He made roughly $7 million and never played a down. Awesome.