KOOL AID, FROZEN PIZZA, AND A MINDFREAK

This is two and a half minutes of pure mini panic attack/ baby stroke.
Let's take it step by step, shall we?

1. It's Chris, not Criss, as in Dr. Chris Hansen.
2. It's Las Vegas Criss. You know that Las Vegas, the one that was built in the desert. There is no need for this black leather rig out you've got going on here. It's like a million degrees out there.
3. Of course you have a "pet" scorpion. You're also waiting for someone to bring you mayonnaise for your fries, right? You're Gross.
4. Fast forward through the whole lame smoke thing.
5. And, that brings us back to You, looking about 5 seconds to earl, reaching out to your "impromptu audience" only to find Maria.
6. You then kiss Maria. Who, by the by, is half of a Vegas Show, it just seems convenient. You've managed to do two tricks. She now has that gross little bug in her mouth, and you've made yourself seem a little less gay to the passer-bys.
7. And finally, your coup de gra'ce. "Don't let me kiss ya'", mi scusi? Don't worry Criss, there will never be a time when you'll have to kiss any of us. Never.

For our next trick...

NEW HIGH SCORE.

Let's be honest.
You didn't need to borrow anything,
did you?

- Helping you avoid the working part of "working day". We do what we can, no need to thank us.

- Anthony, we may need your marketing skills. "You work on the internet, right?"

- ORLY SHRLOK. So we're not the only ones. No shit, We hope a lot of money and time went into this research. Thanks science. Next time call us first.

- Why won't these people leave us alone. This is worse than the grocery store near HQ.

- Gary Busey is terrifying and "that bone chilling sound" was AllDay fumbling, and Toby Gerhart running it in for the three yard TD.

YESTERDAY'S NEWS, TOMORROW.

Your newest ex.

Our newest Cheddarette.

- Udonis Haslem, welcome to the club Slick. Much love to the cop that got one more car with illegal tints off the road. Nothing is more dangerous than a car window that manages to offer privacy to the owner and also keeps out UV rays while keeping the car cooler. You guys get it, right?

- First there was a controversial QB in Pittsburgh. It seems there may be a QB controversy in Western PA. Byron Leftwich, who is roughly 56 (apparently he's only 30), is in competition with Dennis Dixon, former Heisman candidate and beast at Oregon, for the starting job while Big Ben sits out his suspension.

- This is terrifying. How is that mini panic attack all over your face? He may have redeemed himself though.

- Football Jesus, scored his first NFL rushing touchdown, he also got rocked on the way in. Every TD should be called "the joy of six" (45 sec.). This guy totes agrees.

- Reason number 506,892 the Ipad is a necessity.

CLEAN UP IN AISLE...NOPE.

You ever look around your apartment and realize that you have alot of semen stored up in your used purell bottles? Michael Edwards, of Gaithersburg, Maryland, knows your pain. It would seem that our boy Mike was posed with this same problem. He responded like any normal man who has been saving his semen in bottles around the house, he went grocery shopping. While at the store Mikey's game really gets on point. Step by step account, walk up to unsuspecting victim, spray victim with your gross bottle of goo, take picture with cellphone (motorola's razor works best, we assume), go get ingredients for that lovely summer salad Carol at the office told you about, pay, DO NOT forget to use your bonus card that shit adds up, lather, rinse, repeat.

At first glance Mike, your game seems pretty tight, but there are a few flaws we have noticed. First and foremost, IT'S FUCKING GROSS! Second, no it's still really just gross. And last and definitely least, was saving that $1.46 worth getting caught on camera swiping your club card? You remember when you got that card, you know before you started with all this gross shit? YOU PUT YOUR REAL NAME AND ADDRESS ON IT! They know who you are. And you are dumb. Also, really gross.