CHECK PLEASE.

Cream get the money.

Dallas Cowboys wide-out and, not-your-fucking-bellhop, Dez Bryant got stuck with the tab. Bryant and teammates went out to celebrate their first win of the season after beating Houston on Sunday. The problem, Roy Williams' spiteful little soul, Williams invited the whole team out with them and when the check came it fell in Bryant's lap, probably after bouncing off Williams chest pads on an eight yard slant from Romo. The bill came to 54,896 American dollars. At twenty percent that's roughly $11,000 on the tip, who are we kidding? Bryant left a five and asked the server if he had to pay at the hostess stand.

ATTEMPTING TO BRING SEXY BACK.

Whoa, you're going out in that?
Nothing.
It's just like a 100 degrees out there.

Here are some things to help you beat your heat.

- Your Christopher Walken fix.



- Carl's Jr. You officially have the gayest commercials out there. Congrats? While you have that menu open, take a peek at the nutritional info, terrifying.

- Your Fail fix.

Straight lampin'

KOOL AID, FROZEN PIZZA, AND A MINDFREAK

This is two and a half minutes of pure mini panic attack/ baby stroke.
Let's take it step by step, shall we?

1. It's Chris, not Criss, as in Dr. Chris Hansen.
2. It's Las Vegas Criss. You know that Las Vegas, the one that was built in the desert. There is no need for this black leather rig out you've got going on here. It's like a million degrees out there.
3. Of course you have a "pet" scorpion. You're also waiting for someone to bring you mayonnaise for your fries, right? You're Gross.
4. Fast forward through the whole lame smoke thing.
5. And, that brings us back to You, looking about 5 seconds to earl, reaching out to your "impromptu audience" only to find Maria.
6. You then kiss Maria. Who, by the by, is half of a Vegas Show, it just seems convenient. You've managed to do two tricks. She now has that gross little bug in her mouth, and you've made yourself seem a little less gay to the passer-bys.
7. And finally, your coup de gra'ce. "Don't let me kiss ya'", mi scusi? Don't worry Criss, there will never be a time when you'll have to kiss any of us. Never.

For our next trick...

GIVE IT TO ME STRAIGHT DOC.

This is a healthy knee.
Albert Haynesworth, what condition is your condition in?
According to medical professionals,
you've been stricken with two of these healthy knees.
We know, we know. It's not fair.
First they lie about the 3-4.
And now this?
The nerve. How could they switch your x-rays like that?
It almost seems like they're doing this to make you look bad.
Doesn't it?
No really, we were kidding.
Get to work. Dick.

GOING THREE TIMES... SOLD!

The Texas Rangers are set to be purchased by a group led by Hall of Famer and official bad ass Nolan Ryan. The club was auctioned off late last night for a reported $590 million. Ryan's group out bid Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban for the rights to the American League West leaders.

The players have to be a little disappointed, I mean have you seen the Mavs' locker room? With the purchase Ryan plans to move the team's locker room to a freshly renovated, less distracting setting. While renting out the old digs to whoever is willing to pay. The Yankees are rumored to be looking into moving a couple of prospects and cash considerations for the rights to store A-Rod's ego and dildo collection, the arid temperature should be good for them.